Random post

I needed this random post so I could send this picture to someone. Random, but cute and funny so enjoy.

Leaving the cat in the bag

You took a HPT. Two little lines showed up. The second one was light, but it was definitely there. OMG, it is actually happening, you think. I am pregnant. Congratulations! You did it. You got pregnant. Now what? You tell your husband obviously, but who else do you tell and when? The age old accepted protocol is to wait until after your first trimester to spill the beans, except possibly to immediate family and maybe some close friends, but dude, you are excited! You got knocked up and you want to spread the word, and you were never superstitious anyway. So what should you do?

People have been reluctant to share the news of a pregnancy until they have safely crossed over into the second trimester for good reason. Statistics vary but it is generally recognized that your chances of having a miscarriage are drastically reduced after the first trimester, and you may be surprised at the number of pregnancies that are actually lost in those early weeks. People don't like to talk about it but chances are there is someone you know, probably even someone in your family, that has experienced a miscarriage.

So, should you wait?

Well, the truth is, it is complicated and there are pro's and con's to either approach. Let's see how the scenarios could play out:

You tell everyone right away.

If you tell people you are pregnant right away and go on to have a successful and healthy pregnancy, there is pretty much nothing wrong with this approach, and one of the pros is that people are more likely to hear it from you than through the rumor mill, and believe me, the rumor mill gets going fast. The first time people see you taking a vitamin, looking a little green, skipping coffee or passing up happy hour they'll start speculating. Depending on what you do for work, it may also help ease expectations about how much you should be doing, whether you should be sent on business trips that require air travel etc. (This could go both ways if you feel like you may get left out of the cool work if people think you are pregnant, but let's just assume you'd be happy to get a little break from doing some of the heavy lifting at your job for a while.)

The problem with this approach really arises only if things don't go so smoothly. The worst part of having told everyone you have a bun in the oven is trying to explain what went wrong. In my case, I was lucky that I had a good friend at work tell most people for me before I returned--and thank goodness for that. It was hard enough for me talking to people who already knew without having to actually tell them myself. When people asked me how I was doing, I was at a complete loss at how to respond. I wasn't OK. I was a mess, and every visitor to my office was a reminder to me of what a mess I was. But even though I was a mess, I didn't think breaking down in the office was the professional way to handle what I felt was a personal loss. In any case, by far the WORST part was when someone would come up to me that didn't know. I had no idea how to articulate what happened. Oh, I am not pregnant anymore, didn't sound right. It was too casual, like I had just changed my mind and decided to hit edit, undo. But saying I had a miscarriage felt like saying a dirty word. It was awful and I think in those early weeks I probably closed the door to my office and broke down sobbing a million times a day. (If you go through this and can find a friend to relay the bad news for you, at least to the less important acquaintances in your life, take my advice and call in the favor.)

In the days after my miscarriage, I I kept thinking over and over again, if only I had not told everyone I was pregnant. I knew it wouldn't make things normal, but at least I could have pretended they were normal.

So you should suck it up and wait to let the cat out of the bag for as long as you can no matter how excited you are, right? That would certainly eliminate some of these problems and would be the typical way of going about it. So let's examine how that scenario plays out.

You don't tell anyone until your second trimester.

Again, if you go on to have a successful pregnancy, the only problem with this approach is maybe some people that you wanted to tell yourself have already figured it out but they'll understand--waiting is, after all, the accepted norm.

But what if something goes wrong? The problem with no one knowing you were pregnant when you have a loss is that, well, no one ever knew you were pregnant. Many women find it awkward to bring up the topic of having a miscarriage with someone you never told you were expecting in the first place. I wasn't in this situation, but I imagine that they feel that they are burdening someone with bad news that never got to enjoy the good news. Maybe they are worried these people will be offended that they weren't important enough to be included in your inner circle at the outset; kind of like asking someone to help you move but not inviting them to your going away party.

But if you are unfortunate enough to ever have a loss, the one thing you will need to help you move on with your life is time. And the other thing that will help most women is the people in their lives. Not necessarily the random people who are going to ask you when you are due on a conference call the day you get back to work after a D&C, but the important people in your life that will bring you dinner, listen to you when your husband cannot watch you sob again, wrap a baby present you bought for friend when you realize that pink wrapping paper makes you hyperventilate, and so on.

One woman on the bump I think put it the best when she said:

"As with our first we did not tell anyone yet of the pregnancy “just in case something happens” but not expecting anything to happen at all. We had a healthy ultrasound at 7 weeks with a strong heartbeat and we were getting ready to let everyone know and start planning for the new arrival.

I realized as I awoke this morning how much I wished I had told everyone in the world the exciting news and been able to talk freely about how wonderful it was and how happy we were to make Stella a big sister. More than anything I wish I had told everyone because then we would not feel so alone in our grief." - Mrs. Mugsie

No matter what you do, if you experience a loss, it will be hard, and when all is said (or not said) and done, the fact of the matter is that only you can evaluate what the pro's and con's mean to you and what approach to take. But I hope that this piece well help you think about what you want to do when you do get that wonderful BFP.

Wishing FTTA!

The day I found out I was pregnant

We had been trying for so long, I was convinced there was something wrong with me. Only a couple of weeks before, I had made a doctor's appointment to figure out a course of action. I was just waiting for AF to delve into a series of tests in which I would be poked and prodded in an effort to determine why we hadn't been able to conceive yet. My husband, being the amazing person that he is, also agreed to go in for a test to make sure his guys were up to the task. He was dreading it but he was a trooper. It was scheduled for lunch time on Monday, April 27th. If I wasn't too busy at work, I was going to meet him there.

I woke up that day and decided to take a HPT for no particular reason. Part of me had noticed that I didn't have the normal symptoms I usually experience as AF's visit gets near, but at the same time, I really had it in my head that this wasn't going to happen for us without intervention. So much so, in fact, that after I took the test I put it down to wait for it to develop and then forgot about it as I went about my morning routine. It was only after my husband and I were turning off lights and unplugging the iron that I saw it sitting there and remembered I had never checked it. I walked over to it to pick it up. My husband also paused at the door, perhaps wondering whether I was really going to try to redo my hair again.

I think the first thing that came out of my mouth when I saw it was something quite elegant like: "Oh sh*t. It's positive." We stared at each other in disbelief. Then we laughed and hugged and he said, I'm going to cancel that appointment. I nodded and we hugged some more.

I immediately called my mom, and when I got into work that morning, I told my best friend. Then I called the doctor's office to get a blood test. I walked over to a lab that is near my office to get the blood drawn that same day. My friend came with me for moral support, which it turns out I really didn't need. The whole experience was anti-climatic. When they were done taking the blood, they just called in the next patient and told me they'd get back to me in 24-48 hours. For some reason, I figured that if there was ever a time for instant gratification, this was it. I mean, how am I supposed to wait 24-48 hours for this? Of course, a couple of days later they did eventually confirm that I was in fact pregnant, but my hcg was a low 45, so I must have been very early. Come back for another draw next week. If everything is normal the number should double just about every 48 hours. Before that moment, I was blissfully ignorant of this little tidbit, which I have come to learn consumes the lives of so many women.

In working on this piece, I went through my emails to see if I had any documentation of that day. I found this email I sent to my husband:

-------
From: Priya
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:26 AM
To: Peter
Subject: i think


you are going to be a daddy!


-------
From: Peter
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:28 AM
To: Priya
Subject: RE: i think


I always knew it would be such. I can't wait to tell my parents.

-------
From: Priya
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:35 AM
To: Peter
Subject: RE: i think


Pregnancy Due Date Calculator

Your baby will be born on or around Wednesday, January 6, 2010.

You are about 3 weeks pregnant.


-------
From: Peter
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:43 AM
To: Priya
Subject: RE: i think


3 weeks pregnant already? Whoa.


-------
From: Priya
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:44 AM
To: Peter
Subject: RE: i think


That's how they count it.


-------
From: Peter
Sent: Monday, April 27, 2009 9:47 AM
To: Priya
Subject: RE: i think


When are we going to tell everyone else? After the blood test?



That was hands down one of the happiest days of my life.

We're going to be off in the wilderness camping this weekend, but when I come back on Monday, the snide crumpet takes a look at the question: When should you tell people you are pregnant?

Until then, FTTA!

Baby Showers (part three)

Continuing our discussion of baby showers, it has become common place and practically expected for a woman to have a baby shower for her first child, and often times for the second or third (or fourth) child, as well. When a woman discovers she is pregnant, people take for granted that she will have a smooth pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby. However, even today, many women have miscarriages or lose children during or immediately after child birth. If you have experienced such a loss in the past, or maybe even if you have not, you may be wondering whether or not you really want to have a baby shower before your child has safely arrived.

In many traditions, it was or still is considered bad luck to have a baby shower before the child is born. (For a couple of great article I found on the topic, click here or here. )

As we've previously said, some women decide to wait until after the baby is born because they are worried that having a baby shower before the birth might "jinx" their new arrival. This feeling is only natural. A woman that has previously experienced a loss is likely more concerned with the fragility of the little life she carries and once you have it in your head that it may be bad for that little life to have a baby shower, it is difficult to actually enjoy the festivities.

And, while I hate to say it, I think this conversation would be incomplete if I didn't acknowledge that, at least in the back of my mind, there is the fear of having these items in your home as an incredibly painful reminder if (again God forbid) you again experiences a loss.

On the other hand, many women that have had miscarriages want to embrace the planning process. They take the view that if they stop planning, they are letting their anxiety take over. Some even felt that if their child knew in the future that they had put off shopping, or planning, etc. that that child may someday feel that their parents weren't excited for his or her arrival, or that they refused to get attached to that child because of their prior loss.

I think our now frequent contributor WearingRed summed it up best:

"I know I still will be afraid of another miscarriage but I am not letting that stop me from looking ahead and being happy. I know I am going to have my bad days but today is not one of them (mental I am still having all day nausea which I am grateful for). I will not let my past dictate my future! And I will not let my Fear control my life."

No one can tell you which way you should feel or whether or not to have a baby shower. The one thing I can say though is don't let the preference of someone who wants to host a shower or a Meet the Baby for you dictate what you do. Many of the ladies on thebump agreed that a Meet the Baby can be fun because people get to, duh, meet the baby! In addition, there can be practical benefits. For example, if you aren't going to find out whether you are having a boy or girl, having the shower afterwards means your friends and family don't have to stick to yellows and greens. If you have a big baby, you can let people know so that you don't get inundated with clothes for newborns when your progeny is already built for the 3-6 month size and so on.

On the other hand (I know I have run out of hands by this point in the article), it could be stressful if it is planned for your home since, as the parent to a newborn, you may not be up to a ton of visitors and generally it is a good idea to not expose your baby to too many people until they get vaccinated at 2 months. (Although, there is nothing mandating you do a meet the baby right away except that you may already have most of the essentials by then.)

Alternatively, having a Meet the Baby party may allow you to incorporate cultural or religious rituals in the same weekend (such as a bris, a baptism or a namakaran just to name a few) and enable friends and family who wouldn't be able to make both events in a short period of time, to participate. You can always ask people to wash their hands before holding the baby, or just hold the baby yourself and make up an excuse to not pass him or her around (Sorry Aunt Jane, Junior has been spitting up a lot and I'd hate for him to ruin your floral blouse!)

Whatever you do, remember that the most important thing is to minimize stress to yourself while you are pregnant so go with what makes you happy!

FTTA!

inspired by last night's b*tch party

So ladies, I found this website where you can make your own comic strips (wittycomics.com). I was inspired by an impromptu b*tch session last night to create one. If you click on the strip, the text should become big enough to read.

If you are inspired to make your own comic strip, send it to me and I'll post it here.

Baby Showers (part two)

Yesterday, we started a discussion about baby showers. Today, we pick up with where we left off: surviving a baby shower when you are not happy with where you are in the procreating cycle.

First of all, let me start by saying, if you are truly dreading attending a baby shower, you do not have to go. You may think you have to, but you really truly do not. Start by asking yourself honestly, will I be able to enjoy myself? If not, will I be able to hide that I am not enjoying myself? Do I want to go if I have to pretend that I am having a good time? If you answered 'No' to any of these questions, consider declining, not only for yourself, but also for the sake of your preggo girlfriend. If you aren't going to be able to keep it together, it may put a damper on her day as well.

If you decide to decline, send a card or a present with your congratulations. If it is a close friend, consider calling her and telling her why you aren't going, and maybe offer to take her out for lunch or something similar later when it can be just the two of you and the baby paraphenilia and games can be kept to a minimum.

Regardless of whether you go or decline, when it comes to obtaining a shower gift,
DON'T GO SHOPPING FOR IT YOURSELF! Trust me, I went to Babies 'R Us almost 2 months after my miscarriage without even thinking about what I was about to do. I left on the verge of tears because every where I went there were things for babies, actual babies, pregnant women and pregnant women with actual babies. I mean, I know, what did I expect? It is a store called "BABIES 'R US" for FS, but like I said, I did it on impulse before I really thought about whether it was a good idea. I don't recommend it. Buy your present off her registry online, or if the thought of online shopping for baby stuff is also too much, get her a gift card. Trust me, whatever it is, she won't appreciate it any less because you didn't torment yourself in order to obtain it.

If you put off shopping because of the dread and now have no time left to wait for an online gift to be delivered, get a Target gift card, or go to a bookstore and pick up some kids books. Those stores are likely going to be less traumatic than a babies 'r us type box store and believe me, if you are attending in person, you need to save your strength for the actual shower.

Now, the really hard part. You have decided to attend the baby shower in person. What to do? First off, recognize that it may be hard and there may be moments where you can't help but cry. Fortunately, at most baby showers, a few tears can be explained away with a "I am such a baby, I always tear up at these things." But a serious sob is not likely going to be as easily explained away. When you get to the shower, find out where the bathroom is and sit somewhere where you can easily make a bee line to it if you are overwhelmed. If you can't take it, get up and go to the bathroom and let yourself have a cry. Probably best if you don't wear eye make up, so you don't end up looking like a raccoon if you do end up tearing up. When you are ready, go back to the shower.

Be prepared with a response if someone notices you are crying. I think an honest answer is the best way to go. People will understand and you'll likely feel better if you come out and say, Thanks, I am fine but my husband and I have been trying to conceive for a long time and I just suddenly became overwhelmed thinking about how badly I also want a baby. Or, I just recently had a miscarriage and while I am so happy for my preggo girlfriend (although maybe you should use her actual name) I just couldn't help but miss my little one. And if you feel it is necessary you can add on, I was afraid that I might become emotional, but I just really wanted to be here to support what's her name. (Although, I don't actually think any of you wonderful ladies who undergo this torment for your friend should feel the need to apologize).

Prepare yourself for questions you may get asked by other guests in attendance. These could be anything from, the dreaded so when are you going to start a family, to questions about when you are due if someone knew you were pregnant but hasn't heard about your loss. Even if it is something as simple as, Oh, I don't know, but today is so and so's day, doesn't she look great? having a short answer prepared will make it easier to get through the day than if you let someone catch you off guard.

Finally, if it becomes too much, find your friend, wish her all the best, tell her you are so sorry but you have to bolt early, and then get the heck out of there.

When it is done, reconize you might still be sad and reward yourself for having attended and survived.

Tomorrow, we continue our exploration of baby showers. This time, when it is for you.

Until then, FTTA!

Baby Showers

I remember the last baby shower I attended before my husband and I started trying to have a baby. I spent hours shopping at Babies 'R Us--eventually picking out a high chair that was on her registry, and a matching jumper that was not. And to add to the cuteness factor, I picked out a little bathing suit and t-shirt, since my friend had just bought a house with a pool. I bought wrapping paper, a card and matching ribbon. I spent hours wrapping boxes, trying to make the blocks on the edges of the wrapping paper line up where they met on the edges. I picked out an outfit to wear and I did my hair. I think I even wore lipstick.

The shower itself was at a tea garden. We sat outside on a beautiful day and marveled at how well my friend was carrying her little guy. When we started opening presents, my friend's mother read a poem she had written for her. As I sat there, full of tea sandwiches and apricot tea, I couldn't help but tear up. It wasn't Shakespeare but I felt truly moved listening to this mother share her feelings about her own baby's journey into motherhood. Right then, I decided: I loved baby showers and I couldn't wait for someday to have my own.

It took us a long time to get there, but practically the day after I got my BFP, my sister started planning my 30th birthday/baby shower combo, my best friend started planning the henna party baby shower she would throw for me, and I started planning the cute outfits I would find to wear to both of them. Life was good as visions of pastel party favors and diaper shaped cakes danced in my head.

But needless to say, while a BFP changes your life, a miscarriage does not change it back.

Women who have experienced a loss, or are struggling to get pregnant, often dread the thought of attending a baby shower, and with good reason. Although we are very happy for you, and believe me I have yet to meet a woman who would wish what she was going through on anyone else, we are sad for ourselves. Being at a party where the theme is something you want so desperately but can't have is at the least unpleasant and at the worst torture. (And if you still aren't convinced, let me try this, imagine being Jennifer Aniston at Brangelina's wedding. OK, maybe she isn't actually happy for them, but still, you get the point.)

However, the thing about Baby Shower's doesn't stop there. If you have experienced a loss in the past, you may also be struggling with the decision of whether to have a baby shower when you do conceive again. Many women are excited to celebrate their success after a loss and the arrival of their little one, but others might be afraid of "jinxing" their pregnancy or the trauma of having baby stuff in their home if something (God forbid) should go wrong again.

This entry begins the Snide Crumpet's multi-part look at baby showers. Tomorrow, we begin by looking at how to survive a baby shower for someone else when you are less than content with your own place in the cycle of reproduction.

Prenatal Vitamins...for men

So, you decided you are going to start TTC. You did the responsible thing and went to your OB/GYN. You got into those cozy stirrups and let her poke and prod you. She drew more blood from you than a vampire in a twilight flick could dream of, and then, finally, just as you start contemplating how many more of these visits lay in your future, she hands you a prenatal vitamin prescription, tells you about DHA and sends you on your merry baby making way.

If your OB is like mine, she told you that ideally, you'd take the vitamins for 6 months before you got pregnant, but there are plenty of women that don't even start vitamins until they are already pregnant so it is at the end of the day your choice. My husband and I didn't wait on purpose, but it ended up taking us more than the 6 months to get pregnant anyway. That whole time, I got to work every morning, poured a big glass of milk, popped the horse pill and the little yellow sidekick, and then spent the rest of the morning enjoying fish burps. The milk helped, but the fish burps were still disgusting.

The entire time I was weaning myself off of coffee and beer and suffering through never ending fish burps, it never occurred to me that I wasn't the only one that should be taking a daily vitamin. But in fact, some studies suggest that up to 40% of infertility issues in couples trying to conceive for one year of well timed sex are caused by sperm issues (low sperm count, decreased motility, abnormal shape of the sperm, etc.). [While, about 70% of all married bickering is caused by a husband who is too tired to get out of his lazy boy.]

So ladies, while you are taking care of yourself, try to encourage your husband to take care of himself and talk to his doctor about taking a daily multivitamin as well. Vitamin C, E, and Zinc, to name a few, have been shown to have a positive impact on the quality of semen and are used to treat some fertility issues. For a more authoritative site on this discussion, check out this site.

And folic acid is good for your partner too! (Check out Renee Turner's report.

Getting your guy to take a vitamin may not cure your fertility issues, but unless your doctor says otherwise, it likely can't hurt. Get him to combine that with some exercise and just maybe your trash will occasionally get taken out the first time you ask too!

FTTA!