Baby Showers (part three)

Continuing our discussion of baby showers, it has become common place and practically expected for a woman to have a baby shower for her first child, and often times for the second or third (or fourth) child, as well. When a woman discovers she is pregnant, people take for granted that she will have a smooth pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby. However, even today, many women have miscarriages or lose children during or immediately after child birth. If you have experienced such a loss in the past, or maybe even if you have not, you may be wondering whether or not you really want to have a baby shower before your child has safely arrived.

In many traditions, it was or still is considered bad luck to have a baby shower before the child is born. (For a couple of great article I found on the topic, click here or here. )

As we've previously said, some women decide to wait until after the baby is born because they are worried that having a baby shower before the birth might "jinx" their new arrival. This feeling is only natural. A woman that has previously experienced a loss is likely more concerned with the fragility of the little life she carries and once you have it in your head that it may be bad for that little life to have a baby shower, it is difficult to actually enjoy the festivities.

And, while I hate to say it, I think this conversation would be incomplete if I didn't acknowledge that, at least in the back of my mind, there is the fear of having these items in your home as an incredibly painful reminder if (again God forbid) you again experiences a loss.

On the other hand, many women that have had miscarriages want to embrace the planning process. They take the view that if they stop planning, they are letting their anxiety take over. Some even felt that if their child knew in the future that they had put off shopping, or planning, etc. that that child may someday feel that their parents weren't excited for his or her arrival, or that they refused to get attached to that child because of their prior loss.

I think our now frequent contributor WearingRed summed it up best:

"I know I still will be afraid of another miscarriage but I am not letting that stop me from looking ahead and being happy. I know I am going to have my bad days but today is not one of them (mental I am still having all day nausea which I am grateful for). I will not let my past dictate my future! And I will not let my Fear control my life."

No one can tell you which way you should feel or whether or not to have a baby shower. The one thing I can say though is don't let the preference of someone who wants to host a shower or a Meet the Baby for you dictate what you do. Many of the ladies on thebump agreed that a Meet the Baby can be fun because people get to, duh, meet the baby! In addition, there can be practical benefits. For example, if you aren't going to find out whether you are having a boy or girl, having the shower afterwards means your friends and family don't have to stick to yellows and greens. If you have a big baby, you can let people know so that you don't get inundated with clothes for newborns when your progeny is already built for the 3-6 month size and so on.

On the other hand (I know I have run out of hands by this point in the article), it could be stressful if it is planned for your home since, as the parent to a newborn, you may not be up to a ton of visitors and generally it is a good idea to not expose your baby to too many people until they get vaccinated at 2 months. (Although, there is nothing mandating you do a meet the baby right away except that you may already have most of the essentials by then.)

Alternatively, having a Meet the Baby party may allow you to incorporate cultural or religious rituals in the same weekend (such as a bris, a baptism or a namakaran just to name a few) and enable friends and family who wouldn't be able to make both events in a short period of time, to participate. You can always ask people to wash their hands before holding the baby, or just hold the baby yourself and make up an excuse to not pass him or her around (Sorry Aunt Jane, Junior has been spitting up a lot and I'd hate for him to ruin your floral blouse!)

Whatever you do, remember that the most important thing is to minimize stress to yourself while you are pregnant so go with what makes you happy!

FTTA!

Baby Showers (part two)

Yesterday, we started a discussion about baby showers. Today, we pick up with where we left off: surviving a baby shower when you are not happy with where you are in the procreating cycle.

First of all, let me start by saying, if you are truly dreading attending a baby shower, you do not have to go. You may think you have to, but you really truly do not. Start by asking yourself honestly, will I be able to enjoy myself? If not, will I be able to hide that I am not enjoying myself? Do I want to go if I have to pretend that I am having a good time? If you answered 'No' to any of these questions, consider declining, not only for yourself, but also for the sake of your preggo girlfriend. If you aren't going to be able to keep it together, it may put a damper on her day as well.

If you decide to decline, send a card or a present with your congratulations. If it is a close friend, consider calling her and telling her why you aren't going, and maybe offer to take her out for lunch or something similar later when it can be just the two of you and the baby paraphenilia and games can be kept to a minimum.

Regardless of whether you go or decline, when it comes to obtaining a shower gift,
DON'T GO SHOPPING FOR IT YOURSELF! Trust me, I went to Babies 'R Us almost 2 months after my miscarriage without even thinking about what I was about to do. I left on the verge of tears because every where I went there were things for babies, actual babies, pregnant women and pregnant women with actual babies. I mean, I know, what did I expect? It is a store called "BABIES 'R US" for FS, but like I said, I did it on impulse before I really thought about whether it was a good idea. I don't recommend it. Buy your present off her registry online, or if the thought of online shopping for baby stuff is also too much, get her a gift card. Trust me, whatever it is, she won't appreciate it any less because you didn't torment yourself in order to obtain it.

If you put off shopping because of the dread and now have no time left to wait for an online gift to be delivered, get a Target gift card, or go to a bookstore and pick up some kids books. Those stores are likely going to be less traumatic than a babies 'r us type box store and believe me, if you are attending in person, you need to save your strength for the actual shower.

Now, the really hard part. You have decided to attend the baby shower in person. What to do? First off, recognize that it may be hard and there may be moments where you can't help but cry. Fortunately, at most baby showers, a few tears can be explained away with a "I am such a baby, I always tear up at these things." But a serious sob is not likely going to be as easily explained away. When you get to the shower, find out where the bathroom is and sit somewhere where you can easily make a bee line to it if you are overwhelmed. If you can't take it, get up and go to the bathroom and let yourself have a cry. Probably best if you don't wear eye make up, so you don't end up looking like a raccoon if you do end up tearing up. When you are ready, go back to the shower.

Be prepared with a response if someone notices you are crying. I think an honest answer is the best way to go. People will understand and you'll likely feel better if you come out and say, Thanks, I am fine but my husband and I have been trying to conceive for a long time and I just suddenly became overwhelmed thinking about how badly I also want a baby. Or, I just recently had a miscarriage and while I am so happy for my preggo girlfriend (although maybe you should use her actual name) I just couldn't help but miss my little one. And if you feel it is necessary you can add on, I was afraid that I might become emotional, but I just really wanted to be here to support what's her name. (Although, I don't actually think any of you wonderful ladies who undergo this torment for your friend should feel the need to apologize).

Prepare yourself for questions you may get asked by other guests in attendance. These could be anything from, the dreaded so when are you going to start a family, to questions about when you are due if someone knew you were pregnant but hasn't heard about your loss. Even if it is something as simple as, Oh, I don't know, but today is so and so's day, doesn't she look great? having a short answer prepared will make it easier to get through the day than if you let someone catch you off guard.

Finally, if it becomes too much, find your friend, wish her all the best, tell her you are so sorry but you have to bolt early, and then get the heck out of there.

When it is done, reconize you might still be sad and reward yourself for having attended and survived.

Tomorrow, we continue our exploration of baby showers. This time, when it is for you.

Until then, FTTA!

Baby Showers

I remember the last baby shower I attended before my husband and I started trying to have a baby. I spent hours shopping at Babies 'R Us--eventually picking out a high chair that was on her registry, and a matching jumper that was not. And to add to the cuteness factor, I picked out a little bathing suit and t-shirt, since my friend had just bought a house with a pool. I bought wrapping paper, a card and matching ribbon. I spent hours wrapping boxes, trying to make the blocks on the edges of the wrapping paper line up where they met on the edges. I picked out an outfit to wear and I did my hair. I think I even wore lipstick.

The shower itself was at a tea garden. We sat outside on a beautiful day and marveled at how well my friend was carrying her little guy. When we started opening presents, my friend's mother read a poem she had written for her. As I sat there, full of tea sandwiches and apricot tea, I couldn't help but tear up. It wasn't Shakespeare but I felt truly moved listening to this mother share her feelings about her own baby's journey into motherhood. Right then, I decided: I loved baby showers and I couldn't wait for someday to have my own.

It took us a long time to get there, but practically the day after I got my BFP, my sister started planning my 30th birthday/baby shower combo, my best friend started planning the henna party baby shower she would throw for me, and I started planning the cute outfits I would find to wear to both of them. Life was good as visions of pastel party favors and diaper shaped cakes danced in my head.

But needless to say, while a BFP changes your life, a miscarriage does not change it back.

Women who have experienced a loss, or are struggling to get pregnant, often dread the thought of attending a baby shower, and with good reason. Although we are very happy for you, and believe me I have yet to meet a woman who would wish what she was going through on anyone else, we are sad for ourselves. Being at a party where the theme is something you want so desperately but can't have is at the least unpleasant and at the worst torture. (And if you still aren't convinced, let me try this, imagine being Jennifer Aniston at Brangelina's wedding. OK, maybe she isn't actually happy for them, but still, you get the point.)

However, the thing about Baby Shower's doesn't stop there. If you have experienced a loss in the past, you may also be struggling with the decision of whether to have a baby shower when you do conceive again. Many women are excited to celebrate their success after a loss and the arrival of their little one, but others might be afraid of "jinxing" their pregnancy or the trauma of having baby stuff in their home if something (God forbid) should go wrong again.

This entry begins the Snide Crumpet's multi-part look at baby showers. Tomorrow, we begin by looking at how to survive a baby shower for someone else when you are less than content with your own place in the cycle of reproduction.